Bullying: 'The Untold Story. The Unheard Truth!'

Parneeta Singh
Jun 22, 2020
10 min read

Updated: Jul 19, 2020

Dedicated to all the George Floyds, to all the Sushant Singh Rajputs and to all the victims of bullying in the world. May we find solace.

“Have you ever been abused? It doesn’t necessarily have to be rape; it could be verbal or emotional abuse,” asked my surgeon after my fifth near fatal surgery, at which point I started to cry. I had been bullied during my school years. The worst part was that I had been bullied by my Grade 4 best friend SB who turned out to be my worst bully ever. She bullied me till the day we graduated. Till date I have no idea why my best friend changed into this mean, conniving person who turned the whole class against me. I was also bullied by one of my high school teachers who would grade my test papers unfairly. What had I ever done to these people to incur such hostility? When my parents and I brought this up with the headmistress of my school she retorted, “If you are not happy here, change your school!” Can you imagine? Instead of helping me and tackling such an important issue, her response was that I change schools. Maybe I should have. But that would have yielded more power to those bullies, right?

This brings me to why my surgeon asked me if I was abused. It is because I suffer from a chronic condition called Pelvic Outlet Obstruction Syndrome/Puborectalis Syndrome or in lay man’s terms ‘The Dog Tail’s Syndrome.’ As a result of being bullied, my body’s muscles are always in a contracted state; a state that my body subconsciously took on as a defense mechanism to protect myself against my bullies. It is basically a syndrome where one’s sympathetic system (aka the flight or fight system) is on constantly even when there is no immediate threat. The pelvic floor muscles do not relax when the rest of the body does (much like a dog’s tail that is erect when the dog senses imminent danger) leading to a lot of gastric issues including severe pain and bleeding. This led to the many surgeries I had had, with the culprit being bullying. Even though I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and Puborectalis Syndrome during my adulthood, in hindsight I realized that it had all begun the same year I had started to get picked on. IBS is a dysfunction of the brain-gut nervous systems. In other words, stress and anxiety play a major role in the normal functioning of the gastro-intestinal system! Being bullied made me anxious and possibly depressed which led to the psychosomatic symptoms of IBS and Puborectalis Syndrome. I was also made to feel fat, and consequently suffered from eating disorders during my teen years. In medical school too I had similar experiences. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in 2012. I would have flare ups which included bloody diarrhea, high fevers, fainting episodes to name a few symptoms. My colleagues made fun of my health situation even though they knew the severity of it. Some offensive comments that were made include, “You look like shit! When you get x, y, z symptoms can you show us? Can we cut you open?” Unbelievable! I was extremely sick, but I was still pushing through the pain and working extremely hard. And these ignoramuses found my misery amusing. These were supposed to be ‘empathetic’ physicians in the making. If they could not be sensitive to one of their own, I do not know how they were going to do it for their patients. Fortunately, I worked with phenomenal physicians who berated these colleagues when they were disrespectful towards me. They told me that I needed to be more assertive with such people. They were empathetic when they heard about my hurdles, and till today remember me as the hard working, resilient student who never gave up even in the face of adversity. I am grateful to them.

In 2013, a study of medical students and doctors found that many suffered from bullying at their workplace which caused them to suffer from depression and anxiety, while some even considered suicide! I have shared some eye-opening stories at the end of this blog.

Unfortunately, the culture of bullying exists in every profession. In fact, it exists in every society, culture, among races and religions and even between sexes where the man is supposed to be the stronger of the two sexes. It is all about who has the upper hand, who has the most power. Being a dictator, a racist, a sexist, an ageist, a rapist, a terrorist, a nepotist; these are all "glorified" names for essentially a BULLY!

Black Lives Matter!

As you know George Floyd, a 46-year-old black man, was brutally tortured and killed by the police in the U.S more than three weeks ago. The police had the power, so they were the bullies in this scenario. Soon after, protests broke out nationwide because the power had

shifted to the public. But is the public protesting because a black man was killed by a white man or because an innocent, unarmed citizen was killed by the police? What kind of bully system are they fighting? They are fighting against 1) racism AND 2) protesting against the immense power that the police has that allows them to be bullies. Whatever you want to call it, the public is fighting bullies at the end of the day. But is it enough? Are we going to see any fundamental and systemic changes? Racism has existed for years, and individuals like Martin Luther King died fighting for these causes. And yet it still exists! Within a week of George Floyd’s death, anxiety and depression among African Americans shot up to 41 from 36 percent, a rate higher compared to any other racial or ethnic groups. This roughly translates to 1.4 million more people! The same goes for the LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer) society. They are known to have one of the highest suicide rates! Read more here: https://www.medpagetoday.org/psychiatry/generalpsychiatry/87371?xid=nl_mpt_DHE_2020-07-02&eun=g1152396d0r&utm_term=NL_Daily_DHE_dual-gmail-definition&vpass=1 When certain people (in this case the white supremacists) choose to remain ignorant, they will continue to force their opinions, their views on the weaker populations. They resist change because they want the power to remain in their hands. Thus, they continue to oppress and suppress people of color, those who practice different religions and those who belong to the LGBTQ community. Unless they are willing to educate and change themselves and broaden their vision, we will continue to be dominated and victimized by these bullies. Thus, the protests continue until the minorities are heard.

I am showing my support for the #BlackLivesMatter movement by posting on social media and by encouraging others to do the same. You can also educate yourself with books and documentaries on Black history, support Black-owned businesses, and donate to organizations who are promoting Black communities. Click on the highlighted words in this paragraph to read more.

Nepotism and bullying in Bollywood:

Last week an Indian movie actor Sushant Singh Rajput, 34 years old, ended his life. The police have opened a detailed investigation and so far, we have learnt that Sushant was suffering from depression. It seems that certain influential power-brokers were sabotaging his career. Seven films that he had signed were taken away from him. A few names that have surfaced are director-producer Karan Johar, Sanjay Leela Bansali and Ekta Kapoor and actors Salman Khan and Alia Bhatt. A lawyer in India has filed a complaint against Karan Johar and a few others for the above. Many celebrities encourage hostility towards certain outsiders. If you ruffle their feathers and try to make it big on your own without their ‘blessing’ they go out of their way to put a stop to your career. They stop casting you in their movies and threaten others to do the same, while others humiliate you on national television. This is what happened to Sushant Singh who supposedly rubbed some of these egotistical “Godfathers” the wrong way. He thus lost his battle to suicide as a result of ongoing bullying. Now the public have taken it upon themselves to seek justice. Fans in his hometown are protesting against nepotism and burning effigies of Karan Johar and Salman Khan. Many worldwide are signing petitions to boycott the aforementioned individuals’ projects who are also facing online wrath. If you would like to sign a petition, here is the link to one that my friend started: https://www.change.org/p/sushant-singh-rajput-boycott-karan-johar-yrf-films-salman-khan/nftexp/fht-22860429-en-us/0/286075261?recruiter=286075261&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=share_petition&utm_term=share_petition&recruited_by_id=3da3a1a0-ed09-11e4-a1b6-47215ae2a26f&utm_content=fht-22860429-en-us%3A0

We are also unfollowing these individuals on social platforms and are asking our family and friends to do the same. These are a few ways we can fight bullying, nepotism, and corruption in Bollywood. Your support is much appreciated.

A few days after Sushant’s death, a 10th grader who was a fan of the movie star also took his life. He left a note behind that read: “If he can do it why can’t I.” This gives you pause. Just look at the ramifications bullying has! This needs to end now!

Other health consequences of bullying: A Scandinavian study in 2017 revealed that bullying and violence in the workplace was associated with a 46% increase in risk for developing type 2 diabetes. Minerd, “The depression and anxiety resulting from workplace bullying or violence might contribute to diabetes risk by chronic activation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis and sympathetic nervous system.” Additionally, studies have shown that many individuals develop mental health problems and eating disorders as a result of being bullied. However, a study conducted by Smith in 2018 revealed that an individual who already suffers from a pre-existing mental health condition or an eating disorder, are more likely to get bullied!

Why do bullies do what they do? Personally, I think they do it for the following reasons. Firstly, they might be victims of bullying themselves; maybe they are being bullied by someone in their family. They then ‘project’ their feelings of helplessness by bullying someone less intimidating. This makes them feel powerful when they were left powerless by their own bully. For example, do you remember John (played by Judd Nelson) from the movie The Breakfast Club? He is the school’s bully/rebel who preys on ‘weaker’ kids. We find out later that his father has anger issues and often beats him up. So, as you see the bullied becomes the bully. Secondly, they may have certain insecurities, and to hide those, they gang up on meek and submissive individuals who will not confront them. This once again makes them feel superior and in control. Thirdly, according to Psychology Today, some individuals are just born aggressive and are often experienced bullies who seek out conflict because they love the fight as well as the attention. But finally let us face it: bullies bully because we let them.

So what can we do about it? Conflict is a part of life and so is dealing with difficult people who may have different belief systems from our own. It is necessary to know when to pick your battles. When certain relationships matter, we tend to look the other way or at least try to compromise. This is also true when we are dealing with ‘experienced bullies’ who as I mentioned before just love to fight for the sake of it. The only way to react is to not react in these situations. Often when someone attacks us, we tend to react immediately, when in fact stepping back to reflect on what just occurred may often be a better solution as it allows us to gain greater control of our emotions. The ability to do this and to remain calm is part of being emotionally intelligent. Psychology Today suggests that if it is possible, ignore obnoxious people and their behavior. Do not compete with bullies and do not let them control how you feel. Instead create a network of individuals with whom you can sort through your frustration and other difficult emotions. This is a healthy mechanism to cope with verbally abusive interactions. However, there will be times when the aggressors must be confronted head on as their conduct can continue, or get worse. This is especially true when they perceive your silence as weakness. That is why I am glad that the BlackLivesMatter protests are occurring. That is why we need more people to learn about the corruption that exists in Bollywood. These truths need to be told and people need to be held accountable for their actions. We cannot continue to live in a world where one person’s life matters more than another’s. We cannot live in a world where there is discrimination, no justice and continued oppression. We must stand up. We must fight.

My parents tell me to forgive my bullies and I am trying to do it. But it is work in progress. Nonetheless at least now I recognize and remove toxic and negative people from my life and stand my ground. I have also learnt to pick my battles. It is just not worth losing your peace of mind over certain people.

Nowadays most schools have counselors where students can talk to them about bullying, and viable action can be taken, while most workplaces have human resources departments where you can lodge a complaint. But most importantly parents should teach their children about bullying and why it is wrong to do so. Back in my day we did not have counselors but at least I had an incredibly supportive family who helped and continue to help me through my trying times.

Tools to help us:

1) Re-read the paragraph above titled “So what can we do about it”

2) Educate your children about bullying while being mindful about it yourself

3) Self-compassion again! Love yourself so that you do not need to feel validated by others

4) Breathing exercise: take a deep breath in, and on the exhale visualize your bullies and then release them and their energy

5) Journal about your bullies and then shred the paper into pieces. It feels empowering.

6) Most importantly: Do not be a victim. Speak up!

I would like to leave you with these two beautiful songs with befitting and heartwarming messages: 1) P!nk - What About Us :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClU3fctbGls

2) Phil Collins- True Colors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FMtxACKlYM&list=RDCkGg1bzfSys&start_radio=1