Self Compassion Part One: The Most Important Relationship is the One You Have with Yourself

Many of us are our own worst enemy, with self doubt and self criticism. And people suffering from mental ailments have it many times worse. We feel lonely, guilty, angry; even though there might not be an apparent reason. But these emotions are a part of our ailments. Many of us are hard on ourselves and create an inner monster that torments us day in and day out. Every day we interact with different personalities, and unfortunately not all are pleasant. Many can be insolent and obnoxious (for example superiors, colleagues, peers etc.), due to whatever reason. We might not be able to change that. But what we can change is the relationship we have with ourselves. However it is not a simple task. I unfortunately chastise myself very often and am very critical. I did it when I was in school if I didn’t do well on an exam; I would beat myself up and think maybe I didn’t work hard enough or if I had studied another hour instead of sleeping I could have scored a higher grade. But I know I did the best I could, especially given my health conditions. In a competitive field such as medicine, that is fraught with never ending demands, enough is never enough. I was a competent, hard working student and wanted to maintain that. Even when the alarm bells were ringing I continued to power through as I did not want to be seen as a weakling. Ultimately my health took an immense toll. I suffered greatly and had no choice but to take a break from school.

Currently, on my journey of healing, I berate myself for not taking a break from school sooner. If I had listened to my body’s warning signs I might not have suffered this much. I get upset about how hypocritical we health providers can be when we tell patients to take care of their health and make it a priority, yet neglect our own. Now as I try to recuperate, I get frustrated at times when I do not see results even though I work hard on my health. However I slowly realized that such changes could not happen overnight especially when one has been severely impacted on many levels: physical, emotional and mental.

One of the things my health advocates taught me is that in order to heal holistically I need to create a new, nurturing relationship with myself; where I practice self-compassion and kindness. I need to undo the hard wiring of the old relationship that was built on self criticism, judgment and blame, and build new neuro pathways that would lead to positive outcomes (as mentioned on my page: “The Mind”). I need to give myself time and space to grow, and not rush the healing process. I need to respect, care and love myself just the way I would for a friend who was suffering.

Recently I came across a blog by a clinical psychologist, Dr. Baker, who addresses issues such as anxiety, self-criticism and PTSD amongst other ailments. She is the creator and host of the Go Friend Yourself Podcast where she teaches you how to love and accept yourself for the individual that you are. I found her blog very relatable and will try to listen to her podcasts as they look promising. If and when you try them, do share your experiences. I have attached the link to her page:

1) http://www.gofriendyourselfdoc.com/blog

Another podcaster I came across, who also interviewed Dr. Baker about her work, is Matthew Pappas; a Certified Life Transition and Recovery Coach at BeyondYourPast.com. I definitely needed to read his page. Here is the link. You can listen to his podcast and let me know if it helped:

2) http://beyondyourpast.com/self-acceptance-and-building-a-positive-relationship-with-yourself/

Apart from the above, one of my own health advocates provided me with a few resources to help me with self love and compassion. I have attached them on my sub-page: “Our Tools.” Please check them out. They are:

3) Self love and its 22 components. You can circle the ones you do not practice and try to do at least one a day until it becomes a habit.

4) How to deal with negative emotions by practicing ‘Self Care’. I will talk about some of the methods they have described in other blogs.

5) 9 simple ways on how to love yourself more

A word of caution: These resources are not for people who suffer from narcissism. They are for those who have forgotten how to love and believe in themselves. While learning how to do the latter, please remember that while it is important to have your pride, one should refrain from becoming egotistical or arrogant.