‘Partners in Health!’ Part One: Loved ones/ Caregivers behold: A new take on how to help each other?
- Parneeta Singh
- Mar 14, 2018
- 6 min read
This blog is dedicated to my parents for their unflinching support and love throughout my life :)
Being a multiple trauma survivor, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have flashbacks of experiences that I have undergone, nightmares, and sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat with my heart pounding! I also undergo severe panic attacks where, my throat constricts making it difficult to breathe, my stomach contracts, I start sweating, get nauseous and am left in debilitating physical pain at times. Usually anxiety attacks are set off by a trigger that reminds an individual of a particular, threatening incident. If by chance I find myself face to face with a trigger I am immediately plunged into the throes of an anxiety attack. I try to calm myself down by breathing deeply, rocking myself back and forth or distracting myself. However sometimes none of these techniques work and I start to cry hysterically. Consequently I isolated myself from people and places that reminded me of my traumatic events. Apart from the PTSD and anxiety, I just don’t have the physical or mental energy to be around people for an extended period of time, especially if they make derogatory comments about my health. I do not need that.
When a person suffers from a stressor or trauma in life one tends to depend on one’s support system; your family, friends, significant others etc. I did too. My parents slowly realized that this was not something small. Usually the world is only able to see the physical part of an illness. The mental and emotional scars are not visible, and this is a delicate situation where sensitivity and empathy come into play. Every person (caregiver or not) needs to learn that just as a physical injury takes time to heal, mental illnesses take time as well. Sometimes, just like a chronic physical disease such as diabetes or hypertension, a mental ailment may never go away and that’s the reality. Individuals afflicted with these ailments, have to constantly learn how to manage their symptoms which is a herculean task. It is important for caregivers to understand that we are trying our best.
My mother understood me from day one and always supports my decisions. If I don’t want to meet people she is okay with it but other family members still find it difficult to fathom the severity of the situation. The issue is that I belong to a culture where socializing and meeting relatives and friends on a regular basis is considered the norm and it is rude if a person refuses to engage in such events, even if you are ill. But I couldn’t. I had to put myself first and so now I socialize very selectively. If my parents understood my struggles and fears, then the rest of the world didn’t matter to me. To give them the benefit of the doubt, they haven’t walked in my shoes so they wouldn’t know any better. Surprisingly, even among my closest friends, very few really understand me, and know how to behave sensitively with empathy. It’s not everyone’s forte.
Individuals with mental health illnesses, especially those with PTSD, tend to be on guard almost all the time. We put up walls because our trust in people and life as such is shaken to the very core. We feel betrayed and are scared of getting hurt again. Subconsciously we brace ourselves for the next impact and are unable to relax. This can cripple our relationships. Some of us might become overly dependent on our caregivers as we try to establish a safe space and re-create a sense of stability in this world. We inadvertently expect them to fill the void that was created by the trauma and assume that they know what we want and how we feel. And if they don’t ‘deliver’ we feel let down and relive the emotions we felt when the traumatic event occurred. We feel betrayed, vulnerable and exposed. This leads to more fear. It can also lead to anger and resentment, and sometimes the frustration is taken out on our caregivers for no fault of theirs. It’s not ours either. Life altering challenges change us; just as the shape of a rock changes after being hit by strong currents of the river. I feel awful and guilty when I take out my frustration on my parents. I don’t want my loved ones to walk on eggshells around me. So to avoid this, individuals like me try to suppress our anger by avoiding intimacy, being too critical of our loved ones or even becoming mute. We push them away as we continue to struggle with our constant fear and anger. Thus we find it difficult to maintain close relationships.
Recently I came across an article which was an eye opener. It validated all of what I mention above. But it further went on to explain that even though the victim was hit the hardest, the victim’s loved ones suffer too. For example, when I underwent multiple setbacks, my family suffered as well. They too were undergoing the stages of loss and despair. According to PTSD expert and therapist Anastasia Pollock, living with an individual who has PTSD can produce secondary traumatization for the caregivers which is similar to having PTSD! Frightening but true! It’s difficult for the patient to realize that your loved ones are hurting too because you are so engulfed in your own pain. We hope that our loved ones will fill the void that the tragedy created and may have unreasonable expectations from them. It’s natural to feel this way. It doesn’t mean we are selfish or ungrateful. Sometimes it just doesn’t occur to us. It did dawn on me eventually and I felt horrid that my family suffers with me and I apologized to them. I have never been ungrateful and hope I will never be. But none of us chose this. It just happened. This is life.
Here is the eye opening article that gave me a fresh perspective on the above:
A take home message from the above article is that we need to learn how to create a healthy dialogue with our caregivers. By continuing to distance ourselves from them, they can feel let down too. They feel helpless and inadequate that they are unable to support us the way we want them to. In turn they distance themselves as well and this further widens the gap in the relationship. Communication is the key to maintaining healthy relationships. Be honest and open about why and what you are feeling, and express gratitude towards your loved ones. Remember their mental health is important as well. We cannot let our lifeguards drown when we ourselves need rescuing. Let’s help each other swim to the coast! After all, we are all just humans trying to stay afloat in this deep ocean called life.
Tools to help us:
1) A must read article with vital resources for both; partners/caregivers and the afflicted individual:
Another resource I came across is called Caring Bridge. It is an amazing website with resources for both afflicted individuals and caregivers. It has stories by victims and caregivers, and reading those help because they make you feel that you are not alone. You can reach out to these individuals as well and share your stories with one another. There are also tips on how to help someone during a health crisis. One particular story shows you that no matter what crisis comes your way, if you and your loved ones are in it together, you can conquer anything. Sometimes you even get closer to your loved ones. Read on!
For Facebook users, there is a page called Option B support group: Living with Health Challenges. Lots of individuals (again both the afflicted and the caregiver) post their stories. It is a very friendly forum where you can discuss your story, ask for tips and gather advice and resources from individuals with similar experiences. If nothing else, it is a great way of connecting with likeminded people.
p.s. More tools and tips in my next blog Partners in Health: Part Two. This blog was getting too long! ;)
To end, enjoy this song. I think anyone and everyone can relate to it:
Human by Christina Perri: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDmoXv9b36o
Baby bird being saved by her/his parents just like I was:
References:
Comentarios