‘Partners in Health!’ Part Two: Can we salvage fraying relationships?

Before I begin I just want to say thank you to all the caregivers/our loved ones who support us through thick and thin.

Is it worth salvaging fraying relationships… definitely debatable right?

I guess it depends on how important that relationship, and the person in question, is to you. It actually depends on a lot of other things; your time, patience, energy and of course most importantly your health. Some are worth saving while others might not be. For the ones that are worth, we learn to compromise and make sacrifices. But how we do save relationships that are hanging by a thread, while being mindful of our own and our loved ones’ mental health?

As you may recall, in my previous blog, ‘Partners in Health!’ Part One, I had mentioned how traumatized victims sometimes unintentionally hope that their loved ones can fill the void left by their traumatic experience and how they might have unreasonable expectations from their support system. That theme continues here. I discuss more reasons as to why afflicted individuals do this and what can be done to help build healthier, stronger relationships.

I came across a very interesting article by a trauma therapist Erica Bonham. She talks about what trauma can do to our bodies; how and why individuals respond to those experiences in different ways for example binge eating, drinking, drugs etc. and then hating themselves for doing so. Unfortunately they get caught in this vicious cycle of unseemly actions and self loathe, because traumatized individuals may not tackle the real reasons and feelings behind their misdirected emotions. In time they feel disconnected with themselves and with others which can have intense ramifications on relationships with themselves and others as well.

Being a multiple trauma survivor, I for one could relate to this. With each trauma that I faced, I kept feeling less worthy, less lovable, lonely, less like myself. I felt and sometimes still feel I am losing my identity. My escape is diving deep into work and secluding myself from others, which in turn makes me feel lonelier. So you see I get stuck in my self-created web! Bonham believes that our bodies are our ultimate guides and that we need to tap into each and every emotion that we feel so that we get a sense of closure with that trauma, whether it’s an accident, an abusive relationship, etc. And to be able to do this she advocates Self Compassion! Bonham says, “Compassion is a powerful agent toward creating mindful and sustainable changes if we want to make them.” Self Compassion again!

Here’s her article:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-trauma-affects-our-relationship-with-our-bodies-1205175

Similarly I came across Katie and Gay Hendricks’ newsletter. They mainly talk about challenges you may be facing with a spouse or a significant other, and the root of most problems being that individuals have forgotten or don’t know how to love ourselves (mindfully if I may add. No ego, no narcissism) and so we seek it from an external source. However we will never be content in any relationship unless we learn to love ourselves first! We will continue to project our insecurities on to others, and blame them for not loving and supporting us especially when we need it the most. Reading their letters I realized that I had forgotten how to love and be kind to myself and those feelings of worthlessness and lack of love were being projected onto my loved ones in the form of frustration and irritation. Even though their letters center around significant others/spousal relationships, I personally believe their advice can be extrapolated to any relationship; parents, siblings, friends.

Asking one to practice self care is easy but actually doing it is not that simple. We can face barriers when we try to practice self compassion. The image below is a nice summary as to why some of us may face these obstacles, and how to cope with them:

I definitely have these blocks.

Fear: I worked on this website for several months. But I was hesitant to launch it because of ‘Fear.’ Fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of not being able to fulfill its purpose of helping others. But I took the leap and am glad I did! As I blog about different coping strategies that I practice, I hope and know that it helps others. The process is therapeutic for me as well and has opened many doors.

Blocks: I have a tight schedule and keep busy all the time so that I don’t ponder over my physical and mental ailments and/or intrusive, upsetting thoughts. While that may help me be more productive and also fill the void of feeling worthless and lonely, I am ignoring the elephant in the room… I am not tapping into my emotions and acknowledging why I feel worthless and unlovable.

Resistance: I also resist self compassion because I find it counterintuitive. I only ‘treat’ myself if I have had a productive day. After I launched my website, I finally felt that I deserved a reward for my months of hard work. So I drew myself a nice, relaxing bath with essential oils. But then it dawned on me. I had never pampered myself just for the sake of it. I only did it if I felt worthy enough. Why can’t I take care of myself without feeling guilty? Why did I ‘Resist’ loving myself?

Sometimes the above depends on your upbringing and culture. I never saw or still see my parents do anything special or ‘reward’ themselves. We are a family of workaholics and we feel guilty if we have even one unproductive day. I felt like that even when I was bed ridden in the hospital! How crazy is that! I am not saying we need to splurge and give into every desire and go on a frantic shopping spree. But why not take care of yourself, just by doing simple things like treating yourself to an ice cream sundae or going to the movies. Why do we need a reason to love ourselves? Why do we need to justify?

According to the Hendricks, what we resist persists. We resist our feelings by fixating, analyzing and laying blame on others and by doing this we distract ourselves from the deeper emotions. Once we stop resisting and validate and process our sadness or pain associated with the trauma, we can start to feel a sense of relief. And this can happen by practicing self care, and trusting yourself that you are strong enough to change for the better and for your health.

Please refer to my previous posts on Self Compassion, where I shared different resources on how to love and respect one self.

Additionally Mindfulness Meditation helped me and still continues to teach me how to express my feelings in a respectful manner. I came across another article that outlines 6 steps to mindfully deal with difficult emotions. Find this fantastic resource on the ‘Our Tools’ page.

Body Scan Meditation is another effective tool to help with Self Care. Here are the instructions. Give it a go!

I also came across an exercise for couples who are facing problems. It is called ‘The Sound Relationship House’ by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. You can find it on the ‘Our Tools’ page. Do let me know if you use it. I haven’t used it but would love to know if it helped you.

The tools that I discussed over here helped and continue to help me seek clarity behind my bitterness and sense of worthlessness etc. I never take anyone for granted but somehow these tools showed me how to appreciate all my relationships at a deeper level. Bottom line: Learn to love yourself so that you can love and respect your loved ones.

Tools for us: 1) Katie and Gay Hendricks newsletters: I continue to read their free newsletters about relationships. If you would like to learn more and receive more of their advice you can buy their e-books: https://www.heartsintrueharmony.com/aboutus.html?spids=YZZZVR,337&cids=NZZZ3X|FCZZZ3,4 2) Self compassion: Refer to my previous Self care blogs for resources

3) Find more simple, but worth your time Self-Care rituals here: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/science-says-these-6-self-care-rituals-are-realy-worth-your-time Let me know if you find them useful! 4) Mindfulness: a) 6 steps to mindfully deal with difficult emotions. Find this resource on the ‘Our Tools’ page. b) Body Scan Mindfulness Meditation 5) ‘The Sound Relationship House’ by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman (On the ‘Our Tools’ page.